From dhenry@plains.NoDak.edu Fri Oct 7 23:48:03 EDT 1994 Article: 26182 of rec.arts.comics.xbooks Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.xbooks Path: prism!gt-news!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!spool.mu.edu!sgiblab!cs.uoregon.edu!reuter.cse.ogi.edu!netnews.nwnet.net!ns1.nodak.edu!plains.NoDak.edu!dhenry From: dhenry@plains.NoDak.edu (David R. Henry) Subject: The Pissed-Off X-Fan FAQ Sender: usenet@ns1.nodak.edu (Usenet login) Message-ID: Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 15:20:41 GMT References: <36ailt$l9b@dns1.NMSU.Edu> <36k6n5$fup@mother.usf.edu> Nntp-Posting-Host: plains.nodak.edu Organization: North Dakota Higher Education Computing Network Lines: 432 Robert Fernandez dared to ask: >>I believe a few racx denizens invited the x-authors over, but they politely >>declined (then maybe it was because the Vodkinator sent Fabes and Lobdell >>the "Pissed-Off X-Men Fan FAQ"...... > >Well, if it scared off Lobdell, then it's something I have to read! How >do I get it? By waiting for me to post it, I guess, since nobody else seems to have kept a copy. No surprise. The Vodkinator herself didn't keep a copy, and had to schlepp one from me whenever she wanted to show it off. Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be far-seeing. Anyway, here it is. Enjoy! ***** Version 1: 9/13/93 Welcome, one and all to the "Pissed Off X-Fan FAQ"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, everyone else worked very hard on the various FAQs floating around rac.xbooks, and I thought it was only fair to put my fingers to the grindstone and churn out one of these loverly things too. This FAQ certainly flies in the face of some if the netiquette that was suggested in DRH's "Welcome to the x-books" FAQ (overall, I give it a thumbs up...it was slow in parts, but sped up near the end until I was on the edge of my seat!), but I've never been one to keep with convention. I bash people, I complain, I let go with both barrels and damn...my .sig is too long, but I have fun. "I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world"! - Uncle Walt. This FAQ is the result of endless research and anger, so please keep this in mind while perusing the many priceless tidbits of information and insight. Also contained in this FAQ are some useless pieces of information (aka crap) provided for your pure enjoyment and viewing pleasure. To enhance the effects of this FAQ, please be sure to wear your Valiant Vision glasses and put on some Nine Inch Nails....loud....really loud. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PISSED OFF X-FAN FAQ (tm and c by Jen...aren't I pretentious?) Q: Why the need for a "Pissed Off X-Fan FAQ", Jen? A: Good question, neophyte! Much like what occurred with the virgin Mary, an angel came unto me (hey...dirty minds!) from on high and saidth: "God has decreed that from your fevered mind shall spring forth the salvation of all X-fans...the PISSED OFF X-FAN FAQ! Go, you, and make it so!" I was stunned...flabergasted...amazed...and taking a shower at the time, so I said, "Yeah...whatever...just get the f**k out of my bathroom!" Now you know now this miracle came to pass. Q: Who is this Chris Claremont guy that everyone keeps talking about? A: Well, you ignorant piece of...*ahem*...Chris Claremont was the writer of the Uncanny X-Men from 94-279, X-Men 1-3, New Mutants 1-54 and a couple annuals here and there...thems a lot of years, huh? The reason why many of us old farts here on the net talk about Claremont as if he is a God, well, perhaps that's because in a way he is. He created the characters for us...breathed life into them...made us believe in them and care for them. He had them play baseball, gave someone named Kitty a pet dragon, gave a wind-rider quite a haircut, had a fuzzy elf and a hairy Canuck drink beer with each other, had a villain join who became a hero, got some people married, had others break up, put a man on trial who then faced his biggest challenge leading a bunch of teenagers....you know, stuff like that. Q: What about big guns and killing people and great shots of Psylocke's ass? A: You ever have an enema with a fire hose? Next question. Q: Why do the x-books suck now? A: Ah...I see we're getting into the very heart of darkness, so to speak. There are many factors that have contributed to the downfall of the x-books. Let me try and enumerate them for you, oh clueless one. 1. The advent of the dreaded organism known as the fanboy/girl. This wretched creature has helped sway the direction all comic books were going by buying into many cheesy marketing schemes. The fanboy/girl also dictated what was "hot" and what wasn't, even if the so-called "hot" stuff was crap. Exhibit A: Rob Liefeld. Exhibit B: Rob Liefeld. Exhibit C: Rob Liefeld. The fanboy/girl is not interested in quality, but rather eye-candy and promise of profit. The fanboy/girl thinks big guns are "cool". The fanboy likes the exploitation of women...the fangirl likes the... uh...LET'S FACE IT...ARE THERE ANY FANGIRLS??? 2. The declining influence of the writer is another sad reason the x-books have become bird-cage lining. As the artists grew more popular and egos inflated (diametrically opposed to the size of a certain appendage), they were deemed more important than the writer in deciding the direction the books were to take. Artists who didn't know ONE DAMN LITTLE THING ABOUT THE FINE ART OF WRITING were given pen and paper and asked to write (mangle) the x-books. Claremont was pushed out by no-talents with little weenies. 3. The growing need to become popular and stay popular. If you have an unpopular book at Marvel, instead of cancelling the title, they will just replace you with someone equally ineffective. The x-books had to remain in the spotlight, to keep the interest of the life-siphoning fanboys. Exhibit D: The creation of Gambit, Cable, Psylocke, and Bishop. 4. Finally, and most pathetic: BOB HARRAS BOB HARRAS BOB HARRAS!!! BOB BOB BOB BOB BOB BOB BOB BOB BOB BOB BOOB BOB BOB BOB BOB BOB. Control freak extraordinaire Bob Harras has forced the x-books into a hole of blackness that very little light ever shines into. The man thinks that whining mutants = angst = great tragedy = Shakespeare = Bob Harras is great. Obviously, there's something faulty with this man's brain. BOB is in love with angst. He sleeps with it, whispers sweet nothings in its ear, makes wild passionate degrading love to it...BOB is a man obsessed with misery. The X-Men are mutants, mutants are different, differences are misunderstood by the general populace therefore mutants are treated like any other minority that the majority thinks they can beat upon. This racism and prejudice, for BOB, translates into nothing but unhappiness and ANGST for our beloved muties. Here's a clue BOB...the war against racism is supposed to include victories here and there just to prove that the fight is worth it and just. D'oh! BOB also seems to be a bit unclear about the role of an editor. BOB is having some serious bouts of megalomania..."You ever notice how the "O" in my name corresponds with the "O" in God?" HE'S AN IDIOT WHO NEEDS TO GET HIS DIRTY LITTLE HANDS OFF OF THE X-BOOKS! Q: Who is Stimpi? A: The fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse. Q: Why do the x-creators always kill off the weakest mutants? A: To tell the truth, it's not because they have dumb powers or anything like that, it's because they're nerds that make the X-ers look bad. They have terrible wardrobes, quite the fashion no-no in a fight. They are pests. For instance, Doug would always hang around the X-men, trying to fit in with the 'cool' crowd, but he annoyed the hell out of them with his bad jokes and smelly socks. Illyana, on the other hand, had a really high-pitched voice that was quite whiney along with her rather nasty habit of playing with other people's food before they ate it. In the fast-paced world of kicking bad guys' butts, image is everything and frankly, Doug and Illyana had horrible images. Plus, Illyana was getting into those puberty years...zits and saving the world don't mix. A: Liza Minelli. Q: What is a freak of nature...I'll take spam sculptures for $100 Alex... Q: Why does it seem as if every other x-book has an enhanced cover? A: So one bright day in the future, the comic book will be nothing *but* the cover, so Marvel can put even less thought into the books than they do now. Q: Jen, why are you so hostile? A: I'm not hostile...it's just my angry inner child speaking out. Q: Ha ha...heh heh....you're funny. A: What? How am I funny? HOW THE F**K AM I FUNNY?! Do I amuse you? Do I make you laugh?! Huh???!! Am I a CLOWN??!! Tell me, DO I F**KIN' MAKE YOU LAUGH???!! Q: I've noticed that many times there are discrepancies in the storyline; for example, some of the characters are not written consistantly. Why is this? A: You've stumbled onto an important realization here. This lack of continuity is due to the writer's whim. If they need a hero to lose a fight, then their powers are somehow instantaneously altered to make them less powerful. Example: Rogue. If they can't decide how a certain hero's powers work, then those powers constantly manifest themselves in inconsistent ways. Example: Rogue. If they can't figure out where the white stripe goes, it moves around. Example: Rogue. Seriously though, many times the inconsistancy can be attributed to the sheer laziness of the writer. It is more challenging to work within established boundaries and be creative from within than it is to throw away facts of the past and make up whatever you want. Consistancy is something the EDITOR should be ultimately reasonable for, making sure what happens currently agrees with past X-events. Unfortunately, the editor is too busy doing *other* things (like single handedly de- constructing the x-books) to do the job he is supposed to. The characteristics and powers given to a character are based on what the writers *need* that person to do rather than *who* the person is supposed to be. Magneto needs to kick everyone's ass, so increase his power levels. The X-Men need to lose, so make them weaker than they really are. Does anyone else here get the impression that BOB Harras is off somewhere maniacally screaming "I AM THE PUPPET-MASTER!"? Q: Are Mystique and Nightcrawler really mother/father and son? A: *Sigh*...they were probably intended to be related in this way, but Marvel wussed out and will make them sister and brother or some- thing like that. I suppose that the idea of a shape-shifter losing her memory, becoming a man and having sex with her best friend is a bit controversial. Not only would this cause some interesting discussions and considerations about sexual orientation, it would cross into the really difficult issue of gender orientation, but Marvel does not desire to be *interesting* per se, just filthy rich. Personally, I think this could be a great storyline because of its complexities, but Marvel isn't really into pushing the envelope. "But," you say, "didn't Marvel bring Northstar out of the closet?" *yawn* Gays were coming out long before political correctness made it 'O.K.' Marvel's attempt to be open minded was a rather grandiose way of trying to convince us that they are attune to today's society. Q: Who is Richard Darwin? A: Please refer back to the "Who is Stimpi" response for the answer. Q: Is Rogue a virgin? A: Yes. DIDN'T get raped in Genosha, DIDN'T get it on with Magneto in the Savage Land (although that man *is* rather tasty!). Here's the facts: She was manhandled in Genosha by some guards, probably some sexual harrassment and/or minor sexual abuse, but no rape. Rogue and Magneto did have some wonderful romantic tension goin' on between them, but nothing came of it...Mags had to go kill Zaladane ("Have fun stormin' the castle!"). Damn! Q: Well, do you think a body condom would... A: *SNIKT*!!....oh please....go on....what were you saying? Q: When did the Beast turn blue? A: Some time ago, there was a rather nasty accident in the coloring department over at Marvel. Instead of losing face and suffering tremendous humilation they said, "The hell with it...keep him blue! We need a little multi- culturalism on this book anyway." Besides, blue is *in*. Nightcrawler is blue, Mystique is blue and the Beast is...hey...waitaminute! What if the Beast is Mystique and Nightcrawler's bastard son? That would make Mystique the Beast's mother and grandmother and not only would the Beast be Nightcrawler's son but also his brother. Cool! Q: Why don't we ever see the X-Men go to the bathroom? A: If *you* were in a comic book, would *you* want people to see you go to the bathroom? I didn't think so... Q: What is a mutant? A: Technically, a mutant is a...oh hell! Go to your damn biology 101 class and find out for yourself! In the Marvel universe, a mutant is a symbol for the struggle for equality in a prejudice world that fears and dis- trusts them. In the Harras universe, a mutant is a symbol of unending angst, forever cursed with bad plot-lines and infinite cross-overs. In the Marvel-as-an-industry universe, a mutant is a symbol of the cash you can rake in by producing tons of mutant books. Q: I often find the X-books very confusing because of all the crossovers, retconning, inconsistancy and sheer bulk of information we as x-fans must be privy to in order to understand what's going on. How do I keep up with it all? A: I'm very glad you asked this question. Like the Bible, the x-books contain long, complicated and often useless stories and information. How does one keep abreast of it all? Now, through a special offer, you can take advantage of a new Time-Life series of books called "The Mysteries of the X-Men", which is a 30 volume set of books full of vital x-information that any x-fan would want to know. These books are very helpful and look attractive in any library, but you may wonder "is this enough? I still feel lost in the multi-faceted mutant universe." There are other sources of information that you may find invaluable in your search for the ultimate in x-knowledge. If you're just starting out in the x-books, there's the See-and-Say X-Men. If you're looking for a more literary approach, the publishers that have brought us fine texts like The Riverside Chaucer and The Riverside Shakespeare have a new book just out called The Riverside X-Men. All you have to do is look around and find for yourself a system that will work for you! Q: Will the x-books ever go back to turning out stories like "Life-Death" and simple, fun activities like playing baseball? A: I don't think so Tim. Q: What does Magneto and his gang do up on that satellite? A: Why don't we take our remote cameras up there and see? Hey look...it's... it's...Joel! "Hi Joel!!" "Hello Jen and welcome to the satellite of love." "Great to see you Joel. Hey, where's Magneto?" "Uh...I think you have the wrong satellite Jen...it's just me, Crow and Tom up here." "Oh, sorry...silly me! Bye Joel!" "Take it easy." Well, as you can clearly see, that didn't work out quite as well as I had planned, but I can tell you that they play an awful lot of Twister on Mag's satellite, so don't go up there unless you are limber! Q: Does this shirt go with these pants? A: No...try the green one. Q: Why did Peter A. David leave X-Factor? A: PAD's leaving left a lot of unanswered questions and quite a few broken hearts. Many think he left because he couldn't take the dictatorship he was subjected to; PAD had plans for X-Factor that reportedly went against the mega-hyper-super-dooper-pooper-scooper crossover that BOB wanted to do. PAD found he was unable to work under this lack of respect for creativity and true story-telling, so he left. That's what most people believe, but I don't buy it. Personally I think he was forced out because he wore plaid golf pants and played the bagpipes incessantly. My God! Who could work with someone like that? Q: Why does X-Men, The Animated Series have better stories than the comic books do? A: Why do bears bear? Why do bees bee? Q: Who should star in the X-Men movie? A: Really big, huge superstars that will bring an air of respectibility to the world of movies based on the mythos of America: super heroes. Not only should these actors be world-renowned, they should have acting talent up the rear in order to breathe life into these characters; to make them accessable to people who are unfamiliar with those crazy kids known to us as the X-Men. I'd like to see....OH!....excuse me, you asked who *SHOULD* be cast in the X-Men movie, not who *WILL* be stuck into the roles. Well, *ahem*, that's very different. The answer is: really small, unknown actors with the talent of styrofoam. They will wear horrible, tight, shiny costumes ala the 60's Batman and the recent Fantastic Four movie, which I am sure is a precious jewel of filmmaking. Have no fear, true believers, it'll be done the Marvel Way! Q: Magneto 0. Why?...for God's sake WHY? A: I'm still trying to figure this one out myself. Q: Why is this summer/fall's crossover with the Avengers so damn confusing? I don't know when it supposed to start or what books it'll be in? WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON? A: Join the crowd, oh seeker of knowledge. It's gotten to the point where you need to hire a personal secretary to figure out where everything is going. The X-Men/Avengers crossover is really more a marketing scheme than anything else; basically, Marvel wants a non-seller (The Avengers) to get more of a reading audience by crossing over into the x-books. The idea here being that the popularity of the X-Men will give the Avengers a bit of a boost. Let's face it, the Avengers are losers, but the X-Men have begrudgingly agreed to this whole thing because there was some clause in their contract...that oughta teach them to read the fine print! But you never know, maybe this will pay off big for the Avengers because of the past track record of success being achieved after a crossover with the X-Men. Hey, just look at the Micronauts...their heads are still spinning over their popularity. Q: In conclusion, I was wondering where you think the x-books are headed... what can we look forward to? A: More fun and games with BOB and the crew! I'm going to let you in on a couple secrets that I've come across...little tidbits of rumors about what's up and coming for that wacky gang of genetic misfits. -Big things are happening with Scott and Jean...it seems wedding bells will be ringing for these two. REALLY! I know that this must be shocking to you, since Marvel has kept this incredibly hush-hush, but it's going to happen! Please, though, keep it to yourself 'cause we wouldn't want this to get out and ruin the big suprise. -Tremendous character revelations are coming about for Wolverine; after Magneto strips the adamantium off his bones (yeowch! that's gotta hurt!), Logan goes off to find himself. What insues are realizations that will amaze you. He attempts to get in touch with the feminine side of his nature; after an inner struggle to gain peace and to find some self-love, he succeeds in what turns out to be a touching story. Logan decides that he must teach the rest of the world how to get in touch with themselves and sets off on a new life giving seminars and doing late-night infomercials selling his self-help tapes entitled "The Woman In Me". -Nightcrawler, ever the creative one, decides to give Andrew Lloyd Webber a run for his money by becoming England's next great musical writer. Unfortunately, his attempts are met with failure because his ideas are completely unoriginal. Among his failed musicals are: Nancita (based on the life of Nancy Reagan), Mice, Starlight Express (hey...it was a failure for *both* of them), and Aspects of Angst, a story insprired by his own experiences. Kurt, while working on his last attempt to make it on the West End and Broadway (with The Apparition of the Opera), goes insane, apparently over the frustration of trying to play piano with only three fingers on each hand. -The Beast decides that he's way too smart for the X-Men and always underused, so he leaves to start a new career as a stand up comedian. Good luck Hank! -A tragic suicide will haunt X-Force and the whole mutant universe as Cable takes his life after realizing that he, like his creator, lack any redeeming qualities. -Magneto's going grunge! Expect him to be sporting long, un-washed hair and flannel, flannel, flannel! He becomes an active voice in the legalization of pot. -Speculation of sexual perversion fly when members of X-Factor are rumored to be engaging in questionable acts with one another. What appears to be a functioning team is really group of sex-maniacs...don't let them pull the blue velvet over your eyes. -After a long struggle, Rogue finally gains full control over her powers. Overjoyed for her, Rogue's teammates are shocked when she dumps Gambit and runs off with Richard Darwin. Go figure. Well, those are all the insights I was privy to, but you never know what other juicy storylines the geniuses over at Marvel are cooking up. I think we can all rest assured that no matter what, the x-creators are going to bring us hours of enjoyment with their fine sense of story- telling and wonderful illustrations. I, for one, can't wait. I'm breathless. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, there you have it folks, the first draft of "The Pissed Off X-Fan FAQ". I hope you found it useful and insightful. I tried to be as non-biased as possible, and I think that effort came through in the text. YEAH, RIGHT! Feel free to send any comments to me, unless they are negative because I'm afraid my crushed ego couldn't take it and I'd be forced to kill you. Yours, humbly and faithfully, Jennifer ============================================================================ Jennifer A. Vodvarka...*The Vodkinator* |'Tyger!Tyger! burning bright | E-mail: jav41196@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu | In the forests of the night,| University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign | What immortal hand or eye | "Career...? Who needs a stinkin' career?" | Could frame thy fearful | "You get what you settle for."-Louise, T & L | symmetry?'-W. Blake | ============================================================================ "He's not dead...just metaphysically challenged." -- MST3K "Everybody always loves the stupid one...nobody ever loves the jerk." -- Ren ***** "Ouch." --Richard Darwin -- David R. Henry - Rogue Fan Club / Save furry critters. Skin a PETA member. "All you of Earth are IDIOTS!"-P9fOS / What was the question? -- Kate Bush dhenry@plains.nodak.edu * Evolution: Give it some time, it'll grow on ya.