Subject:      What I Hated This Week IV: The Rac* Channel!
From:         Christine Schooley <cschoole@indiana.edu>
Date:         1996/04/17

What I Hated This Week IV: The Rac* Channel!

     . . . fade commercial, cue band out, cue host . . .
     "Welcome back, everybody; thanks for tuning in to Rac*
TV.  This is still 'Rac* Tonight' and I'm still Christine
Schooley.  As you can see, RazaRob is in his traditional spot
by the stage door, standing by for slapping.  How's it going,
RazaRob?"
     "I fight racism!  You must be an Oreo cookie Jew!  You
racist!  Teh only one of you whose cool is Talon!  I like him
alot but I'm not gay!  George Jefferson!"
     "No, folks, this isn't a rerun; he's still saying the same
old crap, but now he's doing it over on rac.other.media.  Okay,
our first guest is the imitable Elayne Wechsler-Chaput.  What
have you got for us, Elayne?"
     "Thanks li'l blood sis!  Tonight, I'll be reviewing Mark
Waid's grocery list.
     "Cover Title: 'Don't Forget The Coupons!'
     "Writer: Mark Waid (myfavorite@grumpy.aol.com)
     "Letterer: Chris Eliopoulos (letter-man@greek.aol.com)
     "S
     "P
     "O
     "I
     "L
     "E
     "R
     "S
     "P
     "A
     "C
     "E
     "Mark needs milk; I'm lactose intolerant myself so couldn't
have any if I were to visit him <g>.  Next on the list is: 'Bread
(Whole Wheat, But Not the Stuff With Seeds In It).'  I couldn't
agree more with Mark on that one; I hate those nubby seeds <g>.
'Lunch Meat' is third on the list, but no type of meat is
specified (editorial error? Sorry, Brian! <g>).  I don't think
Mark'll be wanting any ham; at last month's Con in Detroit I
slapped him upside the head with a ham sandwich, so he'll
probably be wary of it <g>.  Maybe bologna . . ."
     "I'm sorry, Elayne; we're a bit overbooked so that's all
the time we have."
     "Okay.  But do I still get to smack the shit out of
RazaRob as I leave?"
     "Undoubtedly.  Our next guest is Darren High.  Now,
Darren, I see where you're continuing to post your stupidity
on rac*."
     "Yes.  We are still writing 200-line posts making fun
of people having no life . . ."
     "No.  What you're doing is trying to make people mad so
they complain to the people in charge of your account.  Once
that happens enough and your account is revoked, you'll try
to turn it into a first amendment issue when it is in fact
an issue about your own pathetic personality."
     "We are doing. . ."
     "What you're doing, Derwood, is leaving.  Chary, Elmo; if
you could stop fighting amongst yourselves for a second, would
you show this puke the door, please?  And he doesn't get to hit
Raza, either."
     "Get up."
     "The HIGH will not stand.  We are . . ."
     PUNT!  WHACK!  MANEUVER!
     "Ladies and Gentlemen, this host has never seen a person
picked up by their own genitals and dragged across the floor,
but right there it is.  Thanks Mike, Greg."
     "Can we hit Raza?"
     "Have at it.  Okay, Mazerki was supposed to appear next;
unfortunately there was a problem with the scheduling.  I know,
I know; it's a disappointment.  What happened was, our Scowling
producer told Bizarro No. 1 to be here for the show at three.
Well, he showed up at three A.M. last night, found the studio
deserted, and proceeded to tear the hell out of the place.  So,
skipping him, we arrive at Rick "I'm a Grown Man Who Calls
Himself 'Talon'" Sharer.  Now, if everyone doesn't applaud, if
Rick feels rejected in any way, he'll go nuts.  So lets give
him a big hand."
     "Boo!  Talon, you suck!"
     "Quiet, Mike.  Did you find the studio okay, Rick?"
     "Cunt!  I got a parking ticket.  Some Friends of Lulu
member called the cops on me because my car was parked more
than twelve inches from the curb."
     "Do you have any proof of that?"
     "No.  But, in some of their posts, many of them have
intimated that they'd do that very thing."
     "Do you have those posts handy?  Could you tell us who
they were?"
     "Um, that would be blacklisting.  But I know they also
had my cable interrupted twice last month.  I couldn't get the
Playboy channel and had to masturbate while thinking about the
only female I've ever met who didn't reject me."
     "How is your dog?"
     "Still dead.  The bitch."
     "Your time is up, Rick.  Be sure to poke RazaRob one on
your way out . . .  No, get off of him!  I didn't mean it
that way!  That's gross!  Somebody get a hose!  Chary, Elmo,
hurry!  Cowling, cut to a commercial!  Oh, the humanity!"

                                *******
     . . . cue host . . .
     "I'd like to apologize to all our affiliates.  Live
programming is unpredictable at times.  Anyway, we've got
RazaRob all wiped off and Rick is being taken somewhere soft
and barred.  Next up on the show we have Jim 'Yes, That One'
Smith and his brother Mike 'I'm With Stupid <--' Smith.  So,
guys: who's older?"
     "I am."
     "No, I am.  In Superman #876 this week, he flew all the
way to Jupiter and  . . ."
     "I'm afraid no one cares about Superman, Jim.  Be sure to
gouge Raza on your way out.  Our next guest is Colonel
Calamity.  Welcome, Colonel."
     "MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE, SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY . . ."
     "You are one stiff dude, Colonel.  What do you spend on
starch a week?"
     "It's in the hundreds.  OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE, BY THE
DAWNS . . ."
     "So, who you voting for this fall?"
     "Ralph Nader, definitely.  FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK, WE
SALUTE  . . . wait a second . . ."
     "That's all the time we have for you, Colonel.  Bayonet
Raza at your convenience.  Next up is Brian 'Kal El Junior'
Wilson.  Those are two big names you have to live up to, Brian."
     "What?"
     "Brian Wilson.  'Don't Worry Baby.'  'Good Vibrations.'
Any of this getting through?"
     "To quote myself: Love is a many splendor thing.  Love is
like a shadow on me all of the time; I don't know what to do
and I'm always in the dark; I'm living in a powder keg and
giving off spark.  Love, love me do . . ."
     "That's nice; please stop."
     "I wrote that, you know."
     "You're still kind of new around here, Brian; what do
you think of rac*?"
     "I clicked on a post the other day, and it made me sick
with all the bad words and cusses.  I'm only fifteen; I
shouldn't be exposed to that stuff!"
     "What was the title of the thread you clicked on?"
     "'JACK-SPRATTING, JIZZ-WHACKING FILTH MONGERS.'  I shouldn't
be exposed to that!"
     "Hmmm."
     "And then I read one of those Pen-Elayne things: they were
talking about back rubs and 'ooh, ooh baby' stuff.  I read it
fifteen times, and it made me sick almost every time!  By the
way, what's a minion?"
     "A small vegetable; it's found certain types of salad."
     "Oh.  Can I be one?"
     "Thanks for stopping by, Brian.  Hit the idiot as you leave.
Our next guest was supposed to be that TheyC guy, but he changed
the title of this post without including a '(Was:' thing and now
we can't find him.  Actually, that's a good thing because I'm
being told we're out of time.
     "We've got some terrific stuff lined up for you next week:
Donald MacPherson and Dave Van Domelen will review each other's
reviews for us, Johanna Draper will stop by to leave and then
stay awhile, and Elayne will be back to tell us about what she
found in Mark Waid's garbage.  Join us as we delve into the
troubling question, 'Whatever happened to NETtRENCHERPRIME?'
     "As for the rest of this evening, stay tuned to The Rac*
Channel as Tyg takes you on a six-hour retrospective of every
conjunction he's ever used while posting on rac*.
     "Goodnight, everybody."
     . . . cue music, credits, and fade . . .