Power Tools for Technical Communication:
Business-Letter Revision

In this lab, you revise a rather badly written business letter:
  1. Copy the text below this box, and paste it into your preferred word-processing software.
  2. Study the text carefully, looking particularly for paragraph breaks, wordiness, and only after you've tightened up and focused the text, revise for spelling, punctuation, and usage problems.
  3. Be sure to correct the format of this business letter (use block format).
  4. Either show your instructor your completed work; or put your name, Business-Letter Revision, and the date on this document, and print it out for your instructor.

Your name
Your address
Your city, your state zip code

Barrister Audoorie Usthm
Private Legal Adviser to the Akbaha Family
International Funds Transfer Association, Inc.
13 Rue de la Monnaire, 14th Arrondissement
Paris, France 193743-18452
Today's date

Dear Madam/Sir,

You will be surprised to receive this letter considering the fact that we have not met. Let me take the liberty of my client’s recomendation of your esteemed reputation to introduce myself.

My name is Barrister Audoorie Usthm, Private Legal Adviser to the Akbaha family. I have been mandated to introduce this business to you in confidence for the mutual benefit of both of us.

Late General Sonna Akbaha accomplished a desposition of the sum of USD 48 million in defaced form with a private security company in Goluna before he died. His intentions for this money was to make payment to one (Mr. Name withheld) for the supply of election materials meant for Akbaha’s campaign in his self-session bid. Unfortunately the beneficiary name withheld) could not come to claim this money before Akbaha died of Cardiac Arrest. The family and I have therefore made the decision to enter into negotiations with a foreign partner that will provide assistance in getting this money claimed from the security company as beneficiary representing the original contractor or supplier for which the money is meant for and then transferred into your nominated foreign account.

After the transferral of the money has being transacted into your account and confirm; 30% will be for your assistant; 5% will be for any expenses that may be incurred in the cost of this transaction at both side; and 65% for us.

If you have interest in and wish to obtain further details on this mutually rewarding transaction. You can contact me at the above address or make a telephone call to me on this private mobile phone 000-0-0000000 or Fax 000-0-0000000.

As I look forward to hearing from you; let me assure you that this transaction is absolutely risk free. As arrangement will be put in place to formalize all the papers for claim to be in your name duly sworn to and attested to by a commissioner of Oath.

Best regard.

Barr. Audoorie Usthm
Mobile Phone: 000-0-0000000
Fax 111-1-1111111

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