The Larry-bob Lifestyle Catalog

I've been thinking that perhaps I should start publishing my own gay catalog, in the tradition of Shocking Gray and the International Male catalog. It could feature objects you can buy in order to live the Larry-bob lifestyle.

Of course, it would feature photos of me and my boyfriend Nick enjoying the fruits of our conspiculous consumption (and more importantly, the profits resulting from the consuption of our customers.) And it would feature chatty first-person stories describing the items for sale, much in the style of the technology-crazed DAK catalog.

Naturally, it would feature a full line of spandex clothing, which I am always in (I even lounge around our penthouse in white spandex pajamas.)

The catalog will feature a selection of music -- naturally, our customers would want to be able to sample the best of Hi-NRG music and show tunes.

A full line of casts of the masterpieces of male art will be available -- works by Michelangelo, Donatello, and of course Cynthia Plastercaster.

Several pages of the catalog will be devoted to goods that we will buy on trips to third-world countries. This is a great area for profits -- items bought for under a dollar can be re-sold for triple digits. In fact, we will especially comission woodcarvings and weavings based on gay symbols and themes -- imagine the authentic beauty of a hand-woven shawl in a rainbow motif, or a hand-carved wooden lambda sculpture. There's nothing wrong with our freedom being celebrated through the exploitation of third-world craftspeople!

Naturally, a full line of freedom jewelry in rainbow and pink triangle motiffs will be available. There's no truth to the claims that gay people have turned Hitler's symbol of oppression of homosexuals into an excuse for cruising.

Since I am a literate homosexual, there will naturally be books for sale through the catalog. Copies of Bob and Rod's photo book have been remaindered now that the couple has broken up, and they will be available for a low, low price. Naturally, we'll have a full selection of Bruce Bawer books also.

I hope you'll sign up for our mailing list to receive the Larry-bob Lifestyle catalog. The mailing list will only be sold to the most exclusive businesses, such as gay political organizations which ask only money from us, never opinions, and publishers of gay pornography. Naturally, our catalog will be mailed discretely, so you can consume privately in peace, without your neighbors knowing that you're a gay consumer.


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