Larry-bob's Crass Gay Boutique

Having had great success with my catalog business, I've decided to open a storefront so as to get the chance to interact face-to-face with my beloved customers. Imagine the joy of daily contact with successful homosexual professionals! I have rented a storefront in the Castro -- please visit it on your next pilgrimage to the mecca of gay culture.

It is now the holiday season, a time which is a boon to every business, and a gay-owned business like mine is no exception. Please keep our money circulating in our community by patronizing my business. And don't think that your purchases need be limited simply to your circle of gay friends (and the token lesbian or two you are acquainted with.) You can find presents for your entire family of origin in my well-stocked workshop.

Sure, you could give them discreet trinkets like rainbow suncatchers, coy cards from our large selection, or some of our wide range of t-shirts with milder phrases or pictures on them.

But come on now, you're a modern liberated homosexual. You're "ovah it," and it's time your relatives got "ovah it" too. Don't sell them short -- they're ready to step into the late 90s and share your most daring gay tastes.

Imagine the joy your parents will have Xmas morning when they unwrap the gift marked "to the both of you," and find our gift basket of flavored lubes, vibrating ben-wa balls, edible underwear (for him and her), cockrings, and a mini riding crop.

For the younger kiddies, how about cuddly leather teddy, a black and blue striped beast with a red heart on his tummy? Kids love tying each other up with jumpropes, and this teddy will make a statement that kids on the playground in the know will understand.

For a child who loves playing with dress-up dolls, a well endowed Billy doll will make all his or her Barbies forget all about that eunuch Ken. [remember the Gay Bob Doll?] Kids today demand toys that are not only fashion-conscious, but anatomically correct (if slightly exaggerated.)

A selection of lurid pornographic novels should keep your bookworm eldest nephew or niece entertained for hours. After all, they've been reading stuff at least as explicit in the form of science fiction and horror novels -- why not let them find out about all of Anne Rice's pseudonyms?

A strap-on dildo will let your siblings and their partners explore realms that they've heretofore only visited in fantasy. Have you been oblivious to the hints that they've been dropping that they'd like to explore pleasures that are no longer taboo even for suburban America?

After noontide holiday dinner, no doubt your relatives will admit that they're stuffed and need to lie down for a little nap. Thanks to the gifts that you've procured them, this will be the happiest holiday of their lives.


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