Gay Draft Notice

This is your draft notice inducting you from the homosexual reserves into active duty as a gay.

This notice is to inform you that you have been pulled off the reserves into active service. Thank you for being a loyal citizen and registering for this draft as required by law. You have two weeks in which to set your affairs in order and report for active duty at the gay bootcamp.

If you feel that you are a conscientious objector to the gay lifestyle, you will have a chance to appeal before the gay draft board and present your case. You will need to present evidence of your conscientious objector status, such as references from your clergyman, photographic evidence of your protests against gay rights rallies, and notarized anti-gay statements. As in the past some have attempted to avoid this draft by feigning heterosexuality, the gay draft board is highly sensitive to such subterfuge, and it will no doubt be promptly detected.

It may also be determined at your induction examination that you are physically unfit to be a gay. For example, perhaps you are too fat, too ugly, too unfashionable, too stupid, too intelligent, too feminine, or too much of an individual to be acceptable to other gays. (Many who are rejected thusly practice mercenary homosexuality instead, but this course of action cannot be officially condoned.)

You may have been training with the RGTC (Reserve Gay Training Corps) in which case gay boot camp is a mere formality and you will proceed directly to the status of A-Gay, being invited to all the best parties, and wearing regulation designer uniforms. For those of you who did not enter RGTC, you still have the possibility of promotion through the ranks to A-Gay.

You may be wondering what your experience at gay boot camp will be like. There will be a variety of training to insure the uniformity of those turned out by our training. You will enter a mere homosexual, but emerge a gay. You will receive training in interior decoration, sex, disco dancing, gay-speak, drag, boot-polishing, body-building, color-coordination, cruising, penis pumping, and snubbing those who don't meet your standards.

In addition to physical disability, exemptions are also made for those in heterosexual marriages, those who are the sole means of support for their parents, and the untrainably fashion-impaired.

We thank you for patriotically serving your sexuality and look forward to seeing you in two weeks.


See this response to the Gay Draft Notice by Private Pubicus.
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