You're not really gay unless you're tweaking.

I was out at the disco, snorting poppers with my buddies, thinking back on all the people I've had to cross off my Christmas list since they became sober.

How the fuck are you supposed to dance all night, let alone enjoy it, if you're not stoned out of your mind. How are you supposed to dance, dance, dance and fuck, fuck, fuck, just the things that are called for from a good fag.

Where does someone get off saying that there's no such thing as responsible speed use? I'm not a speed addict -- I'm a social speed user, just like people are social drinkers.

Sometimes I need to smoke a little pot, man, to get mellow. Hang out with my hippy fag friends and get in tune with nature. Maybe take some magic mushrooms and really groove on the cosmos. Whoah -- but don't think I'm calling the kind bud a drug -- man, it's a sacrament, a holy herb.

Don't call me paranoid, but if you're not using drugs, how do you know they're not out to get you?

Alcohol -- now there's a legal high. What could be more gay -- just look at those rainbow neon Miller signs in every gay bar -- and check out the support our proud community has been getting lately from the Johnnie Walker company. They say alcoholism is more common among gay people than among such traditionally stereotyped drunks as the Irish and Native Americans. One more advance for gay America!

Nicotine -- if it's good enough for Jesse Helms, it's good enough for me. Hey, and when you're working, you get extra smoking breaks -- hey man, I'm just going outside for a little lung excercise.

Now that heroin's become the trendy thing to use, I guess I'm going to have to try it. I know the street corners in this town, the words that people say to you if you look skinny enough. And it's not because they're Sonny Chiba fans.

William Burroughs is so fuckin' cool, man. He's such a cool fag -- shot his wife, shot heroin so many times his arms must be like Swiss cheese. Even the straight hipsters like him.

Don't you just love that glamorous look you get from smoking crack? Like the skin shrivels up on your head until it looks like a little crack rock, all those brain cells burned up in a crisp, the veins standing out ready to burst next time you suck on the pipe.

You may say -- "well, I just drink, and have the occasional cigarette." Well, I don't see a big difference -- I use 'em all. Of course I like the ones you can get really fucked up on most -- you shoulda seen me last weekend. Boy, was I fuuuuucked up.

Self-destruction is the most rewarding form of rebellion.


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