Larry-bob's guide to finding a man

People are always being offered my unsolicited advice on finding a boyfriend, so I thought I'd offer said advice in an on-line forum where it can do the greatest good for the greatest number.

Let's set aside for the present moment such timeless unanswerable questions such as whether or not homosexuals are actually capable of dating and get down to the nuts and bolts of finding a man -- and keeping him once you've got him.

Kidnapping is one method of getting a man that is not to be ruled out. If you can't get a man voluntarily, try taking one. Since you're probably a typical wimpy fag, physically overpowering him is likely out of the question. Use knockout drops -- get hold of some chloral hydrate, go to a bar or other place where men are drinking, pick a target (it's best to pick someone who's not so huge you can't move him yourself, unless you have an accomplice who's willing to double-date with you) slip some of the chemical in his drink, and once he gets drowsy, get him out of there and to your dungeon. Chain him up, and either wait for him to wake up or just have sex with him as he is, if you prefer the dead type. If you decide to break up, just kill and dismember him. As tempting as it might be to keep a memento of a past love affair, always destroy the head and hands.

Gay bars are a lousy place to meet men. You never know when some random pickup is going to turn out to be a psychopath. It's a kill or be killed world out there, and it's always more blessed to give than receive with it comes to lethal stabbings. Just as if you're a bottom you want to avoid picking up another bottom, if you're a murderer you should avoid going home with another killer.

It's a good idea to pick up guys who don't have a lot of connections with family or friends so there won't be many people following the trail. Dating rich guys has its dangers, because chances are greater that police will follow up or families will hire private investigators. Remember, eat low on the food chain.

It's up to you if you're going to have a one-night stand or a long-term relationship. Having a series of one-night stands may seem easier than having a live-in-lover, but remember, if you have a boyfriend you can have sex whenever you want, whereas you might not always get lucky with finding casual pick-ups. Of course, there are problems with long-term relationships -- the neighbors may hear him screaming, you'll have to feed him, hose him down so his fetid odor doesn't disgust you, etc.

It's so unfair that there's such a double standard with homosexual and heterosexual relationships. Everyone's always so overjoyed when a man and a woman get hitched, but if you tell people you've got a man chained up in your basement (and they believe you) you may actually get thrown in jail. And just forget about getting domestic partner benefits for your sex slave. Sadly, it's still wisest to be in the closet about your relationship. Maybe one day society will be enlightened enough that you can live your lifestyle openly.

Now go out there and get yourself a man!


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