I turned 30 yesterday, October 21, 1996. That means that by gay male standards, I am now officially a troll. Sure, many people attain trolldom at a younger age by virture of being ugly, but in the event that I was not already considered a troll (and for all I know, I already was) I definitely have now become one now that I have ended my third decade.
That means that now I will have to spend twice as much time at the tanning salon, twice as many hours at the gym, spend twice as much money on facial creams and manicures, and still face twice the rejections I did before. Thankfully, two times zero is still zero.
Yes, it's a truly liberating feeling to finally be a troll. No more do I have to ignore vain little gymbots, since they are guaranteed to ignore me.
Life begins at 30. Now I can happily be a bitter old queen. I expect any week now people will start calling me "auntie." No longer will I have to disguise my crow's feet -- I will prouldy stand in harsh lighting, every wrinkle and baggy eyelid fully unfurled. I revel in my trollness.
Did you ever notice how gay demographic surveys list ages as "16-20", "21-25" "26-29" and "30 and over"? Yes, once you've reached 30, you might as well be a senior citizen as far as the gay world is concerned.
I've already started listening to show tunes, going to Bette Davis film festivals, and hennaing my hair so as to fit in with my new-found demographic peers. I still have a few years to lose my teeth, so I can't give a decent gum job yet, unfortunately.
I guess it's not too late to start lying about my age. Maybe I should try 28 on again for size -- I can hardly remember what 28 was like that first time around, so I may as well give it another go.
Gay male years are measured on some sort of logarithmic scale -- the people who are under 20 live a fuller and more fulfilling life, then it's a long, slow (but invisible) life for those older queens.
Or maybe it's more of a hyperbola, considering that gay men are not only late bloomers -- often not emerging from the closet until their early 20's, only to fade with an early frost as 30 too rapidly approaches.
Everyone always writes their personal ads looking for people younger than them -- 16 up to their age, or even just 16-25. Everyone except those looking for a daddy type, and I'm hardly the daddy type. Fortunately, I'm already hitched, so I don't need to worry.
If you're not yet a troll, don't worry, you will be one soon.
Best wishes from the other side of the hill,