ETWR 2379 Editing: Edit Comments

Editor and datePoliteFrank
Date: Wed Dec 6 15:00:32 CST 2017
Editor: mkindy9345
This article is very informative and filled with knowledgeable facts.
There are a few insistences were technical terminology was used
that most readers and nondoctors would need more thorough
explanation. It would be more beneficial to the readers of this
article is more of the information was more straightforward and
concise. When referencing something multiple times in a
document, it is best to stick with the first term you use and keep
the words parallel; too many terms, for one thing, can become
confusing to the readers.

Three examples of alternating terms-

The external mechanical support system referred to is, of course,
the “heart-lung machine.” What is today implied by the term “open
heart surgery” in common medical parlance, then, is any cardiac
operation requiring the use of the “heart-lung machine."

What does the “heart-lung machine” do? First, let us exchange that
term for “cardiopulmonary bypass” to aid in our understanding.

Of course, the cardiopulmonary by-pass unit pump-oxygenator, or
if you insist, “heart-lung machine,” cannot do this job indefinitely,
but sufficient time is safely at hand with today's equipment that
the surgeon need not hold the concern that he once did for the
time factor.

Problem-

The back and forth between "heart-lung machine" and
"cardiopulmonary bypass" makes it confusing to understand which
term is more popular.

Suggested Solution-

Explain the different terms used and stick with the one term that is
most commonly used that you want your readers to remember.

There were lots of technical words that could have been defined
and explained better. It's as if the writer thought we should all
already know these terms. The terms went back and forth, making
it difficult to figure which terminology is more important to take
from this article. The writer didn't really take his audience into too
much consideration. He seems like an intelligent doctor but not
much of a writer.
Date: Sun Dec 3 15:13:11 CST 2017
Editor: snalandry
This essay would benefit from an additional rewrite. Using more
action verbs, rather than using nouns as verbs, would make the
text much clearer for the reader. Be as direct as possible!


-original text-

What does the “heart-lung machine” do? First, let us exchange
that term for “cardiopulmonary bypass” to aid in our
understanding. Basically, the cardiopulmonary bypass removes
the heart and lungs as a unit from the circulatory system and
temporarily bypasses while performing their function. To
accomplish this, blood is diverted from the heart by tapping into
the great veins delivering blood from the upper and lower
extremities. This blood flows by gravity into an oxygenating
device which performs the lungs' function of adding oxygen and
dissipating carbon dioxide.

-rewrite suggestion-

A cardiopulmonary bypass machine, or as it is commonly called,
a "heart-lung machine" is used in open-heart surgery to
temporarily bypass the heart and lungs from the circulatory
system during the surgical procedure.

This machine oxygenates the blood while the patient's heart is
isolated, and allows the surgeon more time to perform the
surgery.
It's cool. The writer obviously know quite a bit about heart
surgery, but not much about writing for a lay audience.


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